Fear Level
I can remember clearly when my dad became old. It happened in a glance. I was in the back seat and he was
driving. It was summer and we were
headed “up north” for a week of camping.
It was a pleasant day, so my dad had his window cranked down (yes, you
still had to crank car windows down in my youth – now that I think about it
even in the first two brand-new cars that I purchased). My dad had a habit of resting his left elbow
on the window frame and he held the wheel with his right hand. For some reason I noticed that the back of
his right hand was wrinkly. It just hit
me that my father was “old”. I felt a
rush of emotion. It was fear.
The only other old person in my life had been my
maternal grandmother who had died two months earlier. I was afraid of my dad growing old, because, in
my limited life experience, old people died.
I even was afraid for myself. Not
only was I afraid of my father dying, it occurred to me for the first time, I believe,
that some day I was going to die. I
closed my eyes, and tried to block such thoughts out of my consciousness. It took some time, but I finally calmed down. I intentionally looked out of my window and
kept my eyes off of my father for the rest of the drive.
As I write this I am already a year older than my
father was when he did pass away. In a
matter of weeks, I’ll be two years older than he ever got to be. I also noticed a couple of months ago when I
looked at the back of my hand as I held the steering wheel of my truck just
like my dad did, that the back of my hand looks wrinkly with my hand in that
position. Now is when I should be
afraid, I guess, as I may be living on borrowed time. Wagnitz males are not necessarily known for a
long lifeline.
I have found, that for me, my fear level is a good
barometer of my relationship with God.
St. Catherine of Siena, a great mystic
and a Doctor of the Church who lived in the 1300’s was the one who taught me to
check my fear level. In her Dialogues,
she said that there are levels of love, and that the lowest level of love is
when we “love” God because we fear hell.
It is the lowest level of love because it is not really about God at all;
it is about ourselves. A love turned
inward loses sight of the beloved. St. John
says it this way, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out
fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet
perfect in love.” 1John 4:18
If you are looking for a place to grow closer to God
this Lenten Season, it may be wise to check your fear level. When you think about the moment that you come
face to face with God, does that stir any fear in your heart? If it does, you very well may be stuck in the
lowest level of love.
I am convinced that if we work to deepen our love for
God, we will sin less because sin is no longer appealing. I believe that this is why Jesus did not
stress a long list of “don’ts” when he was among us. Instead, He gave us just one “do” commandment:
“Love one another as I have loved you.” John 13:34 When we
love God, and love others we are motivated to protect those hearts. So, give up chocolate, or alcohol, or smoking
or other unhealthy habits for Lent; it will do you good in the here and now. But, the best thing you can do for your
eternity is to first check your fear level and then love your fear away.
His Peace <><
Deacon Dan
Photo by Maja Kochanowska on Unsplash
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